**I started this blog as a way to share photos and stories with our friends and family, but somehow it has evolved. It is therapeutic for me - helps me see the humor in this insanity! Thanks for being a part of it! This blog entry is very personal - something I haven't really shared with many people. For some reason I feel led to tell this story. The story of why I named this blog "Little Wonders"...
In vitro fertilization is intense. It challenges you both mentally and physically, sometimes pushing you further than you ever thought you could go. For Jeff and I, it was an emotional journey mixed with fear, joy, excitement, pain, tears, laughter, prayer and wonder. We relied heavily on our faith to get us through it all.
After the initial surgery to remove my eggs, we were told that they were able to retreive 17 viable eggs - we couldn't have asked for better news. We were on cloud nine. We were expecting a phone call the next day to tell us how many fertilized. Hoping for at least 10 to have fertilized, we were devastated to learn that only 4 made it. This was extremely low, and it was only day 1. These eggs had to at least make it 3 days in order for them to be ready to be put back. Not only did they have to continue to divide and grow, but they had to be healthy enough to survive the process of being transferred back to me. Things were not looking good, and our normally optimistic doctor sounded worried. They tentatively scheduled the transfer surgery for day 3, and we were told we would not hear from them again until we arrived for the procedure - even if none of the eggs survived. The next day and a half were absolutely agonizing. I mean, less than 25% fertilized - how on earth did we expect any to have survived beyond that?
I couldn't think. I could barely breath. I just prayed. And so did Jeff. We were faced with the very real possibility that we would never have our own biological children. I remember standing in the shower the next morning, crying. I couldn't take any more. I was exhausted. I knew this was something that was much bigger than I was, and I gave it all up. I gave it all to God. And I asked Him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I NEEDED Him to tell me everything was going to be okay.
The morning of the transfer, the alarm went off. Normally, I just roll over in my sleep and hit snooze. Not that morning. That morning, there was a song. A song I've heard a hundred times. But this time it was different. I just laid there and listened to the words. Words I had heard so often, but never really heard. Right then, I knew everything was going to be okay. And I've known ever since.
I carry the words to that song with me everywhere I go. I thank God every day for the song, and for our Little Wonders.
Little Wonders - by Rob Thomas
let it go
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours
still remain
let it slide
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours
still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i cannot forget
the way i feel right now
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists and turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours
still remain
